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YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE THE PERFECT MOM TO BE A PERFECT MOM

August 22, 2017

By August 22, 2017parenting
perfect mother

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Ruffle Sleeve Tee | Jeans | Hazel’s Striped Dress | Hazel’s Bow

In motherhood, there is so much pressure and judgement to be the “perfect mom”. To have an all natural birth, exclusively breastfeed for at least the first year, only feed your baby organic food, use essential oils as medicine, and the list goes on. If those are all things that you want to do and that work for your family, then that’s awesome! But if not, don’t beat yourself up over it.

I had a scheduled c-section due to a breech baby, breastfeeding didn’t work out for me, and I don’t know much about essential oils (although I do have a kit of them but I’m still totally clueless on how/when to use them). And to be honest, there were definitely times I felt like I a bad mom (and there are still time I feel like a bad mom). Especially when other moms would comment that I “took the easy way out” by having a c-section and “women have been having babies naturally for years, it’s what our bodies are made for” or “breastfeeding is easy, you just need to take a bubble bath to relax and then your milk will start pouring out”. I’d smile politely and then cry about it later in the shower. Questioning everything and blaming myself. Because what those mom’s didn’t know was that we had so many other medical things going on (I promise I’ll share more on that later) that I was already struggling with and feeling guilty and hopeless and fearful about. I didn’t need to hear their comments and feel their judgment on top of it all. Having a c-section wasn’t the easy way out, it was the safest way out. It’s also a painful way out with a long recovery that made it painful to sit, stand, walk, laugh, cry, smile, etc. Not all women’s bodies were made for child birth, women used to die during child birth before modern medicine came up with things like a c-section. And breastfeeding doesn’t always come easy and there are some stresses in life that can’t be cured with a bubble bath.

But the thing I’ve realized is, Hazel won’t remember if I pushed her out my vagina or if she was pulled out of my stomach. She won’t remember is she sucked on my boob to get milk or if she sucked it out of a bottle. What she will remember is us spending time together. She’ll remember dancing in the kitchen while I cook dinner, she’ll remember our long talks during our walk around the neighborhood, she’ll remember our family vacations and singing songs in the car and laughing and having fun together. She’ll remember a happy mom because I stopped stressing about being a “perfect mom” and I just enjoyed being her mom. She’ll remember being loved. And hopefully, with any luck, she’ll look back on her childhood and say “I had a perfect mom”, just like I look back on my childhood and say “I had a perfect mom” too.

XO, Kacie

Also on Elements of Ellis

2 Comments

  • Audrey says:

    Amen, girl. You’re doing amazing, Kacie! You’re loving on Hazel with everything you’ve got and making the best decisions you can for her health and livelihood. She’s alive, fed, smiling, and loved. Like you said, all the other stuff doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

    And on that note, UGHHHHHH! Who the hell says crap like the “easy way out” with a c-section and “breastfeeding is easy” to other people? I mean, I know people who say things like that to other people, yet it still appalls me every time. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with crap like that! I felt like I’d failed when I got an epidural (except that it felt soooooo good hahaha), or like I had to defend it or something. Someone online was trying to encourage me saying, “No one asks if you had a natural birth anyway!” I really appreciated her encouragement, except THEY DO ASK. Almost every single woman in real life asked me if I went natural–maybe it’s a California thing to be SO INTO natural birth and all the other stuff you named? It feels like there’s so much pressure to do all that. Breastfeeding was hard for us too. I stuck with it, but I felt shameful about it being hard for a long time. Plus, I just don’t really enjoy it, hahaha!

    The parenting world can be crazy, IMO. There are tons of opinions out there, and I find it hard to navigate friendships in light of different opinions of parenting. I think it was really helpful to have the kind of people around me who really don’t care about that stuff and who have a broader understanding of what it means to take good care of your kid. I tried to stay away from the moms that said naively hurtful comments, but whenever I encountered one, it was helpful to have moms who I felt safer around to run to. I hope you find more of those kinds of moms to eventually laugh off these encounters with! <3

    • Kacie says:

      Audrey, you are too sweet! Thank you for all your support and encouragement! It really means so much to me.

      Yes, people always ask! And now I get asked if I’m going to have another c-section or do a VBAC…I’m not even pregnant again! lol. I never really thought about it being a CA thing but you might be right. Everyone is into all natural everything here, which is great, but sometimes it’s not always what’s best or safest. I’m sorry you struggled with breastfeeding too. It sucks that people make us feels shameful for struggling with it but glad your hard work payed off in the end!

      I’ve got a few of those amazing mom friends too but they just don’t live close 🙁 But I’m always calling my sister and mom about everything and they always make any situation or struggle better 🙂

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