I’m going into my second scheduled c-section in just a couple days, and it’s the weirdest feeling knowing the day your whole world will change. I’m definitely feeling more at ease this time around than I was with Hazel. The night before Hazel was born I only got two hours of sleep. Partly because I had to be at the hospital at 3:30am to be prepped for surgery, but mainly because I was so nervous and anxious, and of course, super excited too. I was nervous about what the surgery and recovery would be like, nervous about breastfeeding, nervous that the doctors would tell me they got the gender wrong all those months ago and that our girl was actually a boy (ha!), and nervous if I was really ready for motherhood, if I could be the best mom she’d need. I remember telling Cody, “Maybe it’s ok if I keep her in for a few more days or even, like, 18 more years”. I don’t know what it’s like to go through labor, but I imagine that you’re in so much pain just trying to get through labor that you don’t have a lot of time to stop and think about the fact that soon, you’ll be meeting your child. Soon, your world will change forever. And you’re probably in so much pain, that you can’t wait for the baby to come out, just for the pain to stop. But for me, I wasn’t in labor and I wasn’t in any pain, and I really wasn’t even that uncomfortable from pregnancy. The only thing on my mind was that I was about to have surgery for the first time ever, and become a mom for the first time ever, and everything was going to change, and I don’t handle change well. But then Hazel was born and they placed her on my chest and (almost) all my nerves went away.
This time, I’m still nervous, anxious, and excited but in a different way. I’m not nervous about the surgery like I was last time. I’m actually kind of excited for it because obviously I’ll get to meet my baby and I know that as soon as they lay her on my chest, any nerves I do feel will immediately go away. I’m excited to see what she looks like. Will she look like Hazel? How much will she weight? How much hair will she have? And I’m excited, but also nervous, for the surgery because I have requested a clear drape this time, so I’ll be able to watch the delivery and see her being pulled from my belly. I know some people will think I’m crazy for wanting that, but I think it will be such a special moment to get to see. Plus, Cody watched Hazel being born and he said it wasn’t super bloody or anything. I know I’m going to miss my baby bump and feeling her inside me, but I feel so much more uncomfortable with this pregnancy (probably because I’m chasing a toddler around all day), so I’m excited to start getting my body back to normal.
The things I’m nervous about…the adjustment from one to two kids. Will Hazel handle it well? How will I have the energy to take care of a newborn who will have me up all night and also take care of an active 19 month old? Will I still be a good mom to Hazel when I’m sleep deprived and don’t have as much patience? And I’m nervous thinking about Cody going back to work after two weeks and how I’ll be able to take care of two kids while recovering from a c-section. Taking care of just one newborn wasn’t too bad because newborns are so tiny, but how will I care for Hazel when I won’t be able to pick her up or even just move around that great? But one thing I know is that no matter what, I can handle it. I’m definitely more confident in myself as a mom this time around. I’ve got this!…or at least I think I do 😉